Today I wanted to write about relationships. This is especially for those looking to “find” or – I prefer saying “create” – loving relationships through the sheer strength of joyful creation. I am going to combine vibrational energy thoughts (where sincerely good/joyful feelings are linked with “high vibrations” and anxious, fearful or worried feelings are linked with “low vibrations”).
All of us are vibrating based on our thoughts, words and actions all of the time. With mindful attention, we can consciously create and hold on to the vibration we desire (I’m guessing you will all agree that feeling good feels better than feeling worried/anxious/fearful).
After the loss of a relationship, whether the loss is because of a breakup that happened after only a few weeks of dating, or whether it was after a 40-year long loving marriage that ended in a divorce, there will be thoughts, words and actions. The experience will shape each of these, and repetitive thoughts are common in the healing time. In the healing time I feel it’s best to first address the grief/loss of the experience for a clean slate to work with. Then, begin to change thought patterns.
Remember that a belief is a thought that a person keeps thinking. Some of the common beliefs I’ve heard in my practice include the following:
I’ve wasted so much time; I’m never going to find something that good again; I’m no good; Men/Women can’t be trusted; My standards are too high; Most men/women are too set in their ways by now; I don’t want to be hurt again; I can’t imagine being with anyone else; Relationships are full of disappointments; People don’t change.
Any of these sound familiar? Well they are certainly familiar to me. I find that many (all?) of the people I know have thought some of these thoughts some times. The way these thoughts become beliefs is by repeating them (silently or out loud) regularly. Many people will say “well, that’s just the way I think… I’m just a realist.” Well, some of you may know that realists are very close to pessimists. And pessimists, realists and optimists can all create their own self-fulfilling prophecies.
For those that would like to change their pattern of thinking to a more optimistic place, you can. Remember that the only way to learn how to do something new, is by doing it.
So in beginning an intention for a new relationship (could be romantic, a friendship, or companionship) – let yourself know that you can do this. This is where a mindful intention makes a huge difference. What are you thinking about and repeating in your mind regularly? Start with statements like – “It’s easy to find good people when I feel good; I’m going to try to find the good in everyone I meet today (and then proceed to do so!); It really doesn’t take much to make me happy; I’m happy to connect with the people I meet; It’s fun to learn about myself as I become the best I can be; When my vibration is at its best, I meet with the best people for me.”
These sorts of statements raise vibrations within ourselves and around ourselves too. You may think of them as affirmations but really they are just great ways of training your thinking.
And many begin dating again in this time of new resolve. They meet wonderful people that they truly connect and resonate with. And often, a little while into the relationship (could be days, weeks, months or even years) – something changes. Now the awareness of things people do not like start becoming more prominent. And the thoughts in the mind start focusing on these things. Has the person changed or are you “finally seeing their true colours”? Likely neither. Some awarenesses are true and need to be considered clearly. Maybe someone is paying for all the bills/expenses/outings or maybe there is a previous relationship still lingering creating a “love triangle”? These do indeed require mindful attention because these sorts of patterns can linger even in the “best” new relationships. In those relationships, individuals will often minimize such ideas as things that will change in time. But they truly need to be addressed fully before continuing an unhealthy pattern that will inevitably become a bigger concern in time.
Most often, however, the details that one person may not like in another – like one is really messy and the other is particularly tidy; or that slurping noise that one of them makes when drinking water or the loud chewing or each wanting the other to take out the garbage weekly, etc. (insert innumerable ideas here) – these become bigger issues than necessary as people start to focus on them rather than the loving and kind interaction. And many people become less mindful about the loving and kind interaction as a relationship becomes more comfortable. Why? Relationships need work. Consistent work. And it takes at least one person to lift the vibration of the couple back to its best. Often by the time couples are openly talking about these differences, they have “tolerated” the other’s low-vibrational style for a while and matched that lower energy themselves. It’s part of what has been called our “blame and shame” culture. Each partner will try to match the blaming or shaming of the other. This is so unnecessary, but often leads to breakups.
The trick is to make an effort to keep your own vibration as high as possible. To avoid pulling yourself or your new relationship down with you. When you are in your best vibration, you will not even notice the other person’s lower vibration. At first, you will find this feels like you’re needing to take effort to lift yourself – over time this will come naturally. Of course it’s always easiest when both partners are aware of their vibrational influences on each other. But it never helps to blame the other for your own low vibration – even if your low vibration is your response to the other’s actions. This will only create tension and resentment in the relationship. Come back to centering yourself. This may mean you take a nap, go for a walk in nature, meditate, listen to your favourite music (my first choice for sure!), dance, sing, paint… anything to bring yourself into your best energy… and then get ready for positive changes within and around you. Do not do this for the purpose of changing the other’s behaviour. Do it to feel good. You will. And then watch the magic unfold!
Really – I have seen couples that truly apply this thinking from brain re-training with me that see profound changes in their relationships. And often I am only seeing one person in the relationship (at first at least) – over time, both learn the vibrational “language” and soon either can lift the energy in their relationship. It’s beautiful for me to see, and certainly magical for couples themselves. I encourage you to try this out in any relationships you are in now. Could be parent-child, or even a relationship with a co-worker that needs some reshaping. Try it. I suspect you will be happily surprised with how wonderful loving creations can be.
Now go and create your joyful and loving relationship today. If you need help, I would be happy to guide you to your best energy and creation. Email me at hanifahelps@gmail.com or call/text 416-920-8975.
Wishing you happy and healthy high-vibrational relationships ahead!
Kindly,
Hanifa
Healthy Grieving 